


Between Words of love and Words of hate

by Nonbinary_Connor



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Asexual Character, Asexual Evan Hansen, Author Is Sleep Deprived, Autistic Evan Hansen, Bisexual Evan Hansen, Demiromatic Connor Murphy, Depression, Everyone Is Gay, F/F, Fluff and Angst, Friends to Lovers, Gay Connor Murphy (Dear Evan Hansen), Gay Jared Kleinman, How Do I Tag, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Internet Friends, M/M, No Smut, Pansexual Character, Slow Burn, Slow To Update, Suicide Attempt, The Author Regrets Everything, The Author Regrets Nothing, asexual Connor Murphy, asexual author, lots of fluff
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-10-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 19:04:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 5,264
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15371283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nonbinary_Connor/pseuds/Nonbinary_Connor
Summary: Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy are best friendsthey've just never met in real life.also they don't know each others names.





	1. 1

_ ‘I know I’m insane. Hell I’ve been hearing it since the second grade. The thing is, I like being insane. It gives me a sort of high. But more than that, i enjoy pain. People always talk about how cutting hurts after and how they regret it but come back to it. Not me though. I love it when I step into the shower and my whole body stings. I love watching my blood drip down the bathtub.  _ _   
_ _ I never want to hurt other people, I always do, but I don’t want to. I just want to hurt myself _ _   
_ _ I can’t stop feeling like this. And I don’t want to _ _   
_ _   
_ _ XX _ _   
_ _ Ghost in the making’ _ _   
_ __   
I log off my computer after hitting post. I feel like a weight has been taken off of my shoulders.    
  
I’ve never told anyone that. But I needed to get it out of my system. No one knows who I am online. No one knows me as Connor Murphy. Just Ghost in the making. No one judges, and if they did, I could block them. No one knows me, but yet, they know me more that anyone else in my life.    
  
Someone bangs on the door   
“Wake up dipshit”   
Ah, Zoe.    
  
I drag myself out of my bed and throw on whatever is closest to me. I sniff it. Seems clean. I put that on, grab my bag and phone before heading downstairs and into the kitchen.    
I grumble as I slump down on my chair. Both Larry and Zoe are ignoring everyone by scrolling through their phones.   
  
“Are you ready for school?!”   
“I don’t feel well. I’ll go tomorrow.”   
“Connor, it’s the first day of senior year, you can’t miss the first day!”   
“I already said I’d go tomorrow. I’m trying to find a compromise here.”   
I groan and put my head on the table. Mom looks over at Larry   
“All you are going to do is just sit there?”   
“Connor you have to go to school”   
“Is that all you have to say?”   
“Look at him-he’s not listening- besides, he’s probably high”    
“He’s definitely high” Zoe mutters under her breath. Okay, maybe I am high, but still! I look Zoe in the eyes.   
“Fuck you,” she kindly returns the statement with a smile.    
“Zoe! Don’t talk to your brother like that! It’s not constructive! Besides, he’s not high.” I look at mom.   
“Connor! I don’t want you going to school high!” Perfect.   
“Perfect! So then I won’t go! Thanks mom!” I say, pushing myself out of the chair and up the stairs. I know for a fact that I am going to school. I open my phone and see I have a couple of notifications. I open them to see messages from ‘falling in a forest.’ I smile. Forest is my only friend.    
  
**Falling in a forest** **  
** You want to talk about it?   
**Ghost in the Making** **  
** Not really :\   
**Falling in a forest** **  
** Will you be okay?    
I’m starting school today so I might not be on as much.    
**Ghost in the Making**   
I think so.    
I’m starting school today too.    
¯\\_(ツ)_/¯    
**Falling in a Forest** **  
** I get out at 3:20 but if you need me don’t be afraid to message me :)   
**Ghost in the Making**   
(:   
I get out at 3:20 too but I probably will leave after lunch or something    
**Falling in a Forest**   
See ya    
**Ghost in the Making**   
Bye   
“If Connors not ready I’m leaving without him.” I hear Zoe yell. I groan and slump down the stairs and into her car. Luckily she’s hasn’t left. I plug my headphones into my phone and shove them into my ears. I turn up my music until I can’t hear anything else and stare out the window. 

  
We pull into the parking lot. I throw open the door before Zoe pulls up to a stop. Kids spew into the building as the bell rings. Someone says something in my direction. I turn my music down so I can tell them off, but something else grabs my attention. Jared fucking Kleinman   
“Hey Connor, loving the hair cut. Real school shooter chic.” I glare at him. Is he fucking kidding? Making a joke about a goddamn school shooting. We live in Texas. Does he laugh every time the shooting gets closer and closer to our school? Does he laugh when he sees 13 year olds crying on TV because they lost their best friend? I’m not angry he’s making fun of me, hell, I get that at home. No, I’m enraged that he’d make such an insensitive joke. I know he is low, but this is a whole new low. Even for Kleinman.   
“It was a joke.” He nervously chuckles.   
“No, no, it was  funny.” I say, my lips dripping with sarcasm. “I’m laughing, can’t you tell? Am I not laughing hard enough for you?” I yell, my nails digging into my palms. Don’t attack him Connor. Fucking don’t.    
“You’re- you’re such a freak” he spits out, turning away and practically running away. I want to chase after him. Scream at him until he gets it through his thick skull that I am no more of a freak than he is. But I don’t. I stop myself, nails breaking skin. I try to take deep breaths, something Forest told me calms him down, so I don’t take it out on someone else. It’s not enough to stop me when I hear a scoffed laugh.   
“What the fuck are you laughing at? You think I’m a freak? I’m not the freak”   
“Nonoiwasntiwasjust-“ he says frantically, in a (failed) attempt to explain himself   
“You’re the fucking freak!” I yell, not processing what I’m saying or doing until it’s too late and he’s on the ground.    
He has a fucking cast.    
I just pushed a kid with a fucking cast.    
*time skip*

After spending a couple hours high, I decide to find Evan and apologize. I don’t usually apologize, but Forest has rubbed off on me with his constant apologizing. After a while, I end up spotting him in the computer lab. I think about leaving, nothing would come of me apologizing. Larry wouldn’t stop treating me like shit. Zoe wouldn’t think I was trying to be a better person. 

I decide that no matter what i do, my family won’t change their opinions of me. So I walk into the lab. I stop at the printer as something is spat out, I pick it up. 

‘Dear Evan Hansen’ oh, so it’s Evans. I spot him across the room. Taking the paper, I walk over to him. 

“So, how’d you break your arm?”

“oh-I hum, I fell from a tree.” I laugh, trying to brighten the mood

“You fell from a tree? That’s the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

“Yeah-hum, I know”

“No ones signed your cast”

“No,um I-I know.”

“I’ll sign it.”

“No-no you don’t have too.”

“Do you have a sharpie?”

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a sharpie. I take it. I take his arm ignoring his wince, and sign my name is large letters.

“Now we can both pretend we have friends.” He nods. I hold out the paper.

“Is this yours? I found it on the printer. ‘Dear Evan Hansen.’ That’s your name right?”

“Oh that’s just a stupid, it’s a paper I had to for a, um, for an assignment…”

“‘But there’s Zoe.’ Is this about my _ sister _ ” I shouldn’t care. Zoe doesn’t care about me. I don’t care about her

“No not at all.”

“You wrote this because you knew that I would find it.” Did I just say that?

“What?”

“You saw that I was the only person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and you printed it out, so that I would find it.” 

“Why would I do that?”

“So I would read some creep shit you wrote about my sister, and freak out, right? And then you could tell everyone that I’m crazy, right?” 

“No. Wait. I don’t even, what?”

“Fuck you!”

I storm out with the letter in my hand. enraged, I read the rest of the note.   
_ Dear Evan Hansen, _ _   
_ _ Today wasn’t such an amazing day. And it most definitely won’t be an amazing week or an amazing year.  _ _   
_ _ Because why would it be? Why would the universe give me anything but bullshit and grief?  _ _   
_ _ The one good thing the universe has given me has been him. And soon enough he he’ll get sick of me. Just like everyone always does.  _ _   
_ __ But There’s Zoe. Zoe the one only person who seems to care about my well being. Who am I kidding, why would someone like her care about me. 

_ I wish everything was different. I wish I mattered. To anyone. I wish the tree was taller. I wish I had the strength to off myself. I wish I didn’t wake up this morning.  _

_ Connor was right. I am freak. I’m a worthless freak.  _ _   
_ _ Face it: nobody would even notice if I disappeared tomorrow.  _ _   
_ _ Sincerely, _ _   
_ _ Me.  _ __   
Holy shit. I’ve lashed out twice at a suicidal kid with a broken arm.


	2. 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> angst(tm)  
> i hurt my baby boi

**Evan**

I sit at my computer, the house too quiet for comfort, so I log onto my blog. I notice a post from Ghost.

_ “God I’m sp stupid. _

_ I tried to be nice. But i just fucked it all up. _

_ I want to kill mysefl so fcuking bad _

_ amd i dont know if ill be albe to stop myself this time _

_ XX Ghost in the making” _

My heart starts pounding. I was talking to ghost just hours ago and they seemed fine? They didn’t mention that anything was wrong. they mentioned a bad day at school, but when i asked if they wanted to talk about it, they had said that everything was fine. I should have known something was off though. My palms start sweating as I pull open my chat with Ghost

**Falling In A Forest**

Hey are you okay?

I read your post

Do you want to talk about it?

_ Read:11:08 _

Please answer

Iwtg if you die i'm going to kms

Oh my god please don’t actually die you’re my only friend

Please

Please don’t do anything stupid

Your actually the only person who cares about me

 

My vision blurs as tears begin to gather in my eyes.

**Falling In A Forest**

Ppkease 

I fant do this withoiy you

 

I can’t breathe.

I just want mom to be home. 

I just want someone to hold me and tell me it’s going to be okay. 

I want ghost. I want them to be okay.

I gasp for breaths as I stumble onto my bed, I clutching my phone and try to find someone to call. Someone who can help. 

As I stare at the contacts, I realize there’s no one I can call.

I curl up in a ball on my bed, praying for some notification from my laptop. Anything sign that Ghost is alive. Anything at all.

I glance at the clock  _12:45_ an hour since I've had any sign of life from Ghost. 

I can't lose my best friend.

Ghost is the only person I can trust.

Ghost is the first person who I came out to. They're the only person who knows about what really happened to my arm.

I shut my eyes, hoping to drift off to sleep and wake up to find that its all a dream.

And its hours before I fall into a dreamless sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Connors not dead  
> dont worry  
> im not going to hurt by boy that bad  
> sorry its super short.  
> i wanted to get something out and writers block sucks  
> also i dont have my phone as i got it taken away after i attempted OD  
> so i'm using my dads computer  
> the updates will more than likely be VERY slow  
> im in Florida vistiting family and my dysporia is BADD so this will be mostly angst sorry not sorry im an angsty boy


	3. 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> oh no theres little to no angst  
> IRL evan and connor are friends now :)

**Connor**

When i wake up the next day, i have 14 notifications, half of which are from Forest. As the memories of last night seep into the front of my brain, I quickly log on.

The last couple of messages from Forest seem to be made frantically. Forest has anxiety.

Oh shit

**Ghost In The Making**

Shit

I’m sorry I’m okay

I slept it off

**Falling In A Forest**

Oh thank god

I thought you were dead

You can’t ever do that to me again istg I almost died

**Ghost In The Making**

Im so sorry i wasnt really thinking

I should have answered

**Falling in a Forest**

Fuck yeah you should have answered

I had a panic attack

**Ghost In The Making**

IM SORRY

FORGIVE ME FATHER FOR I HAVE SINNED

**Falling In A Forest**

Smh 

What happened last night?

 

**Ghost In The Making**

Today i pushed this kid who didnt do anything

And then later i went to apologize (proud of me?) and i got angry and pushed him

Also i forgot to mention he has a cast

And then my sister chewed me out when i got home and then i got into another fight with my father

But he took it a little too far and said he wished i was like my sister

And i just fucking

Couldnt 

So yeah

I smoked a little and ended up sleeping it off

**Falling In A Forest**

Oh shit

Dude

Why didn’t you just come talk to me?

**Ghost In The Making**

Idk

I just felt like

Idk you were just pretending to be my friend

You know how depression works

**Falling In A Forest**

:(( welL I LOVE YOUR SNARKY ASS YOUR NEVER ALLOWED TO SCARE ME LIKE THAT AGAIN

**Ghost In The Making**

Okay mom

Anyway i gtg to school

I think im going to apologize to the kid 

The thing that got me pissed at him was totally a misunderstanding and I feel bad

**Falling In A Forest**

Aw I do have a good influence on you :))

**Ghost In The Making**

Stfu

Bye

**Falling In A Forest**

You know you love me

Bye 

I log off my computer smiling, but my smile quickly fades when Zoe bangs on the door.

“Get up.”

“I’m up Zoe geeze.” I throw on my Fall Out Boy tee and a plain black jacket over it. As I trudged down the stairs, I hear Mom, Larry, and Zoe talking.

“God, I don’t know. What we’re going to do with him?” Larry asks

“He’s really out of control.” Zoe states. Wow thanks.

“Larry, maybe if you let him go on medication.” mom says, setting Larry’s Coffee in front of him. 

“Cynthia! I am NOT letting him do more drugs!” Larrys responds before sipping him coffee

“Therapy at least?”

“He’s not crazy Cynthia, he just needs to have some sense put into his head.”

“Are you sure he’s not crazy?” Zoe asks

“Thanks you guys, I always knew i could count on your love an support.” I say walking past the kitchen and out the front door.

“Connor-WAIT” mom yells after me. I pull out my phone, plug in my headphones, and start walking towards school. 

I open my messages to forest

**Ghost in the making**

Dude

Istg

So i was going downstairs and i heard my parents and sister talking about me.

Istg

Im pretty sure my father hates me

When my mom suggested putting me on meds

My father said “I am not letting him do more drugs.”

And then when my mom suggested therapy

My father said “he’s not crazy.”

And then my sister “are your sure he’s not crazy.”

Istg

Like I know im crazy

But gosh

Meds and therapy and would help me ?

Pls help me

**Falling In A Forest**

Oh my god

1st, you’re not crazy

2nd, I’m going to fight your dad and your sister

3rd come live with me my mother would love to have another child

She would def give you meds and therapy

**Ghost In The Making**

Okay 

Can i bring my mom though?

Shes pretty chill

**Falling In A Forest**

Sure

She might have to pay rent though

**Ghost In The Making**

Lol

We’re rich

It won’t be a problem

**Falling In A Forest**

Bruh

Send me money

I’m poor AF

**Ghost In The Making**

Got ya bab

**Falling In A Forest**

Anyway I’m at school now and my family friend wants me to pay attention to him :/

**Ghost In The Making**

Bye bab ;)

**Falling In A Forest**

Bye bab :0

As I glance around the main hallway, I spot Evan walking with Jared.

I hesitantly approach him, just before I can change my mind, Jared turns around.

“Oh hey, Hot topics here! Coming to bully Evan again.”

“What- uh no. I, uh want to talk to Evan about something.” Jared doesn’t get the hint.

“Preferably alone.” Jared shrugs his shoulders. 

“Don’t kill him or I’ll have to pay for my own car insurance.”

Evan looks mortified. He’s looking at the ground, fiddling with his shirt and looking like he’s going to pass out.

“Hey, I uh, just wanted to apologize for yesterday. I overreacted, and, I’m sorry.” I reach into my pocket and pull out the letter. “Here you go.” he hesitates before taking it out of my hand. I go to turn around, when Evan grabs my arm.

“Oh- I'm sorry, but ugh yesterday, you hum, said that uh, we could, hum, pretend that, hum we had friends. And i uh was thinking, what if we didn’t have to pretend.”

“I’d-”

“Butyoudon’thavetobefriendswithmeiknowimweirdandwhateverjustforgetIsaidanything.”

“Evan, I’d love to be your friend.”

“Oh, OH. um, okay,” I hand him my phone. He looks confused. 

“Put your number in.” he smiles and hands it back after a second. The first bell rings not long after.

“I have to go to class now! Bye Connor!” he says, sprinting away. I smile. I can’t believe I made a friend. I open my messages

**Me** -

Hey its connor

**Evan**

Hey!

**Me-**

What class are you in rn?

**Evan**

Math

**Me**

Ew

**Evan**

Yeah i know

Anyway the class is starting I’ll talk to you later :)

For the first time in years, I don't feel like absolute shit when i sit down in my class. And I guess that's progress

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> don't worry it gets angsty in the next chapter  
> also Connor loves him mom lots  
> hes a mommys boy  
> okay I LOVE jared but he's a little ass sometimes  
> i still love him  
> he will have lots of character development :)  
> for each kudo and comment i give my cat 3 pets :)


	4. 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angsty time :))  
> Trigger warning for self harm and panic attacks

_ tw for self-harm and panic attacks _

**Connor**

**Evan**

What’s your favorite color?

**Me**

Dark Purple ? Or maybe dark red Hbu

**Evan**

Blue.

**Me**

Let’s play 20 questions.

I’ll start

Any sibs

**Evan**

I have a couple of half siblings, but they live in Colorado and I’ve never met them

What kind of music do you listen to?

**Me**

Oof

The emo™ stuff

My Chemical Romance. Fall Out Boy. Twenty One Pilots. Panic! At the Disco. Pierce The Veil. Sleeping With Sirens.

**Evan**

I love top fob and panic!

**Me**

I like Dodie Clark and Cavetown too though

**Evan**

Cavetown and dodie are honestly my favorite atm

**Me**

Also some weird indie artists like killed myself and Billie Eilish

So emo™ ukulele and indie

Favorite song atm

**Evan**

Probably Everything Stays from Adventure Time or 6/10 by Dodie.

**Me**

Good songs

**Evan**

Favorite TV show

**Me**

Voltron: Legendary Defender

**Evan**

YOOOOOO

KLANCE?

**Me**

YES

WHO DID YOU SHIP SHIRO WITH BEFORE ADAM

CAUSE ADASHI IS CANON KING

**Evan**

BRUH I WAS STUCK BETWEEN SHULLARA AND SHATT

**Me**

SHATT

**Evan**

HECK YEAH

youtubers?

**Me**

Oof Shane and the squad™, Dan and Phil, MilesChronicles, Thomas Sanders, Buzzfeed Unsolved, and The Try guys

**Evan**

Oof same but not Thomas Sanders

**Me**

Hes an gay icon

Shaniac or Boogara

Im a boogara fight me

**Evan**

Im a fucking shitfish

**Me**

Oh my fucking god.

Anyway gtg

We’ll finish this chat later :)

**Evan**

okay

I find myself smiling when I step into my house.

“Connor! Oh my god what did you  _ do?! _ ”

Oh god. My smile immediately melts off my face.

“Nothing Zoe.”

“Are you  _ high?” _

“NO! God Zoe I just had a good day. Don’t go and ruin this for me.”

“I don’t believe you.”

“Whatever. I thought you’d be happy that for the first time in years I don’t want to die. But whatever.”

“Fuck you.” she spits out. My hearts sinks as I climb the stairs into my room.

**Ghost in The Making**

Yo

Can we voice chat.

I’m kinda super pissed

**Falling in A Forest**

Sure

Hold on a moment though

**Ghost in The Making**

Okay

Call when you’re ready

_ [voice chat started at 3:41] _

“What’s wrong?” Forest asks

I lay my phone down and stare at my ceiling.

“So, I apologized to that guy and he wanted to be  _ my _ friend, so I got his number. I was like  _ SUPER _ happy and had a good day and then I got home, and my sister was like ‘Oh my god are you  _ high?’  _ and completely just. fuck I’m so angry?! I  _ actually _ was  _ happy  _ for the first time in  _ years _ and she goes and ruins it for me by accusing me of  _ doing something _ ”

“well, um I’m sorry. Why don’t you tell me about your new friend?” I smile. I know what he’s doing. My mom used to use this trick on me when I was little.

“His name is Evan. He broke his arm over the summer. His favorite color is blue. His parents are divorced, and his dad lives in Colorado. He likes fob, top, panic! Cavetown and Dodie. He watches Adventure Time, his favorite tv shot now is Voltron legendary defender. He does ship klance and was stuck between Shullara and Shatt before Adam came to be. He’s a shitfish and I hate him”

“I’m a shitfish!”

“Yeah, and I hate you too.”

Forest laughs

“Oh my god  _ I hate you” _

“No, you  _ LOOOOOVE me” _ This makes him laugh even harder

“Stop it I can’t breathe.” He says between laughs

_ *Time skip* _

After a couple hours of talking, I’m finally feeling happy again. I’m lying on my bed scrolling through Tumblr and talking to forest about how ghosts  _ are definitely real _ when Larry barges through my door.

“WHAT DID YOU DO?!” he yells

“Yo chill. I didn’t do anything.”

“Your sister said you were smiling when you got home today.”

“Yeah. I had a pretty good day at school.”

“ _ You  _ don’t have good days.”

“God Larry. I can have good days. Just because I’m depressed doesn’t mean I  _ can’t  _ have good days” I can see his face start to get red.

“Get off your goddamn phone. No wonder you’re ‘depressed’” I hear Forest gasp. I laugh

“Chill this is normal” I say (to Forest)

“ _ This is NOT normal” _ Larry squeals “people all around the world  _ actually  _ suffer from depression and you’re here claiming you have depression for attention.”

“You think- you think I'm making this all up for  _ attention??” _ I yell “FUCK YOU” I stand up, tears in my eyes, and push my father out the door, slamming it shut in his face.

"Connor? open the door Connor." I hear someone yell outside the door.

No. Not again. I feel my throat close as tears being to spill down my face.

“Ghost? Ghost ? are you okay?”

“I’m sorry” I sob as I end the call.

I lay on my bed, tears streaming down my face and ignoring the pounding at my door and the buzzing of my phone.

"CONNOR MURPHY! DON'T MAKE ME TAKE DOWN THIS DOOR!" I hear Larry yell.

Ignore.

"CONNOR!"

I turn over on my side and cuff my hands over my ears.

Ignore them.

My phone buzzes again.

Ignore.

There's a pound at my door.

Ignore.

Everything gets louder.

The walls close in around me.

I can't breathe.

My wrists start to itch.

Perfect.

I stumble out of my bed and clumsily open my drawers.

My hands shake as I pull the razor from out of an old notebook.

I press the blade to my wrist, press and pull.

Again,

Again,

And again,

sometimes tracing old scars and sometimes creating new ones.

I only stop when there's no more space.

I clean off the razor and put it back in the notebook.

The door to my room opens as I'm wrapping my wrists.

My family stares at me.

My mom steps forward.

"Connor,"

"Fuck off."

my mom grabs my wrists, fear and disappointment in her eyes

"Fuck off mom."

"How-"

"I said FUCK OFF"

"Connor, please." my mom sobs

I look over at the rest of my family.

Zoe looks shocked, her hand covering her mouth and tears streaming down her face. Larry looks, disappointed. which I don't blame him. He raised a disappointment of a son.

"C-Connor."

I whip my arms from my mom’s grasp

"Just let me die already."

my mom caresses my cheek.

"Where did we go wrong?" she asks

"I'm sorry I'm such a fucked-up child."

"No, Connor."

I stand up, pushing past my family.

"Goodbye." I take the car keys, and speed away from my family.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> me? posting an actual chapter? more likely than you think  
> okay i was going to post this yesterday but my parents turned of the internet before i could post it :\  
> talk to me on twitter!  
> https://twitter.com/n0rmalisstrangs


	5. 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the finally meet

**Evan**

I don’t sleep. I stay up messaging and calling Ghost

Its 3am when mom gets home, and I’m still awake, shaking and pleading with any god out there that he’ll be okay.

“Evan, Honey? Why are you awake? It’s 3am” she asks, concerned laced in her voice

“N-no reason.” I mostly sob

She knocks on the door before opening in, and sits down on the bed, wrapping her arms around me.

“Honey, what’s wrong?” she asks, rubbing my back.

“H-H-He’s  _ gone. _ He’s  _ fucking gone. _ ”   
“Who?” she says, a little surprised by my language. 

“Oh my God he’s gone my  _ only fucking friend is gone and I didn’t do anything _ ”

“What happened to Jared?!”

“Not Jared  _ ghost.” _

“ _ Who _ ?”

“Ghost. My best fucking friend.”

“Evan you’re going to have to tell me a little more than that.”

“W-w-we met online. He’s my best friends and I  _ know _ he’s upset and what his father said was  _ shit _ and he was already not feeling well and  _ now his father's probably yelling at him. Oh my god what if he relapses? _ ”

“Evan, Evan. It’ll be okay.”

“I-It might not be though! And I’ll have no way of knowing! He could die, and I wouldn’t know! What if he runs away?”

My phone buzzes.

I immediately push off my mom and dive towards my phone. Its from Ghost

A sigh escapes my lips, but it’s only followed by worry.

**Ghost In The Making**

I need help

 

“Oh god,  _ please be mostly okay.”  _ I mumble

“Evan? What’s wrong” mom asks

“I don’t know.”

 

**Falling In A Forest**

What happened

**Ghost In The Making**

Well

I relapsed

And then my family came in before I was done wrapping up

So I kinda ran away?

My car broke down and I’m a little while away from my house lmao

**Falling In A Forest**

Oh god

Fuck

What time is it?

**Ghost In The Making**

3am

**Falling in a forest**

Where do you live?

**Ghost in the making**

Texas

 

“Mom, I know its 3am but if you love me, get in the car.”

“What-” she starts, but i’m already throwing on shoes and in the hallway.

“Evan, whats wrong?”

“He’s somewhat close. And his car broke down.”

“Evan, it’s 3am. His parents are probably looking for him.”

“I don’t know. His mom might, But his dad might have convinced them to stay inside until morning because ‘oh well I don’t care about my fucking son. He’ll be fine even though he’s depressed and has had past suicide attempts i’ll still treat him like a fucking criminal!’ and who knows what kind of trouble he might get into”

Mom gives me a look of concern but opens the apartment door.

**Falling In A Forest**

Where are you I’m coming to pick you up

**Ghost In The Making**

What

**Falling In A Forest**

I live in Texas

**Ghost in The Making**

Boy Texas is HUGE you could live 24 hours away

**Falling In A Forest**

Don’t care

I’m already in the car

**Ghost in the Making**

I’m at a McDonalds on Westheimer RD

**Falling In A Forest**

Okay

You’re near my house so we’ll be there soon

“He’s at the McDonalds on westheimer road. Lets go”

“Evan, I know you trust this guy, but, he’s supposedly close to our house and I don’t know if  _ I _ trust him.”

“I-I know. But  _ please _ . I couldn’t save myself if I let him die.”   
“Evan-”

“ _ Please _ ”

Mom takes a deep breath, and puts the car in reverse.

**Connor**

I sit in the furthermost booth in the corner with my head buried in my hands while thicc tears roll down my face.

God why am I so stupid? 

I don’t know why I decided to ask Forest for help. I didn’t plan on him loving so close.

Oh god

He lives  _ CLOSE _ .

God what if he goes to my school?

God what if he’s  _ jared kleinman? _

I hear the bell chime and a tired adult groan “welcome to McDonalds.”

Someone puts their hand on my shoulder

“A-are you okay?” they ask

“Yeah, I’m just waiting for a friend to pick me up.” 

“Would they happen to be your internet best friend who stayed up until 3am crying because they thought that there best friend died?” I almost smile.

Standing next to me in Evan Hansen

“EVAN?”   
“CONNOR?”

Evan tackles me

“YOU FUCKING IDIOT!” he yells

“HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?”

“NOT THAT!”

“Oh……”

“Well, we’ll talk about it when we get to my house. Lets go.”

“Wait, what?”

“Come on. You obviously don’t want to see your family.”

“Uh, yeah. Um thanks.”

“No problem.”

-

Evan nods off to sleep not long after we get into the car.

“I guess all the adrenaline finally wore off.” His mom laughs

“Yeah.” I say, watching as Evans head slips onto my shoulder.

“So, Evan kind of told me what was happening but it was infused with ‘fucks’ and ‘what if he’s dead’s and I didn’t really grasp the situation. Do you mind explaining?”

“Um. so, there was his incident at school where I pushed Evan because kleinman was getting on my nerves and I felt really bad cause it was in no way his fault so I ended up trying to apologize but then I got angry for something he had written in one of his letters to himself.”

“Wait wait wait, you know each other from school too?”

“Yeah, we didn’t know that until like now though. Anyway I went home felt bad and talked to him about it and then went to school the next day and apologized again. This time he asked if we could be friends and of fucking course I said yes I always need more of those

So we exchanged numbers and talked a little. But when I got home my sister accused me of being high cause I was smiling and we got into a little fight and I ended up venting a little on voice chat and then we talked about nonsense for a couple hours. And then my father came in and yelled at me and told me that the reason I was ‘depressed’ was because I spent so much time on my phone. Evan was shocked and I told him it was normal and my father told me that I wasn’t really depressed and that I was making it all up for attention. so I kinda slammed the door in my father's face and hung up on Evan. and um,” my voice drops to just above a whisper “I was so angry and sad i just did what i usually do and  cut . But before i was done, my family walked in. so i just. Ran away.”

Mrs. Hansen goes quiet for a moment. Probably processing what i was saying.

“Sounds like your fathers a bitch.” she says finally

“You don’t even know.” I laugh

“Do you mind if i look at your cuts? I’m a nurse so it’s kind of my job to make sure they’re not infected.”

“Um, sure.” she smiles at me through the rear view mirror.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeah sorry its short  
> i got really unmotivated  
> yeah know that shitty depression  
> my life has been kinda shit with school and someone stealing my phone  
> i'm pretty proud of this chapter  
> i spend a good month or 2 revising and editing  
> (the McDonald's Connor is t is a real place. though no, its not near where i live. though i do live in Texas)  
> thanks for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> Kutos and Comments help me fight my depression


End file.
